No Appetite

It seems by my jeans that I have lost a little more weight, but I haven't officially weighed myself. I am still very much down in the dumps, which is proving to be a mighty fine addition to my diet plan. Never in my life have I been so depressed I didn't have an appetite at all. In the past, it was quite the opposite. Depressed? EAT A WHOLE BOX OF COOOOKIESSS. Upset? EAT A TUB OF ICING WITH A SPOOOOON.

This time around, my tea and cashew nuts have gotten me through days.

My hotel room reeks of a medicinal mint smell because of all the essential oil baths I have been attempting to remedy myself with. My skin is greasy from the overapplication of Badger Balm. Yet, I am still in this slump. Wish me well, friends. I need all the help I can get.

Battling Depression

Along with all that I mentioned in my last blog, I am also using essential oils now in attempt to break down the wall of negativity.

Baking soda epsom salt baths with tea tree, peppermint, and lavender seem to help me. Also baking soda peroxide paste with peppermint, spearmint, and lemon oil spread on my chest and temples; it seems to relax me when I am feeling anxious.

Oddly enough, the minty smell of my paste goes really well with my tea. I never dreamed that the two would go together, but it's a match made in heaven, I swear.

With the Help of Tea and the Help of Me

In the midst of this slump I've found myself in, I decided to do all that I can to feel better. Along with Diet Bach Tea, Hibiscus Tea, and Raspberry Leaf tea, I purchased four types of Badger Balm.

One for sleep, one for soft skin, one for headaches, and one for stress relief. I am a long time customer, but the four balms I bought yesterday are new to me.

I sincerely hope that my mood turns around soon because I feel that my negative headspace is actually bringing me down physically. This is just a bump in the road, I suppose. Although, currently, it feels like a mountain.

Gloom

Spending this day curled up in bed for the most part. I am feeling strange, and I don't think that tea, or anything else for that matter, could get me out of this funk.

My significant other now works seven days a week, fourteen to fifteen hours a day. I feel lonely, down, just extremely sad. I wish that I was able to put on a happy face for all of the people I have made friends with in this Maryland hotel. Unfortunately, it is so much easier to hide away behind a heavy, locked door. 

I have to keep in mind that I have been making great progress and that this feeling is temporary. Everyone has bumps in the road, and it is okay to be down. Sometimes it is easy to forget all the positives in moments of depression and or seclusion. I am my strictest critic, and right now I am doing my best not to allow negative feelings to rule my entire mind.

I like to picture my sadness, worry, and loneliness as a thick forest. I stand at the bottom of the full and tangled mess; it seems dark, hopeless, but if I can look up and see even one glimmer of daylight peeking through the leaves, I find solace in it and look for more gaps among my gloomy feelings. The more positive vibes I can seek out, the better I feel, even if I am still standing in my figurative forest.

Reflecting

I realized today how much progress I have made since the first day drinking Diet Bach Tea. Though it seemed at first like an annoyance, it dawned on me that actually, this was a positive thing.

My jeans are too big.

This morning I lazily rolled out of bed, took a shower, and got dressed in clothes I have worn since high school. On my way down the stairs to the lobby, I kept yanking my pants up as I walked. Still, it hadn't hit me yet; I was just bothered by the inconvenience.

Once I stood at the desk, my pants continued to slide down. The lady behind the desk I come down to socialize with asked me what was wrong, since I guess I had a look on my face. When I said that my jeans kept falling off me, she smiled.

"Well, that's great!" she said.

'Huh. Great?' I thought, 'That is great, I have lost more than I thought.' 

Thankful

This day has been much like a run on sentence. Quite busy, but having no cohesive purpose.

I woke up this morning with no sense of drive, no energy. I even felt sort of down in a way, in a slump one could say. Unfortunately, I feel that my murky feelings stem from the place I now live. Though, it only makes sense that a person's environment heavily influences their mindset.

Once I fully woke up and made some tea in the single serve coffee pot, I felt a small bit better. I am thankful I did perk up a little because then my to-do list smacked me upside my head like an angry mother.

Laundry.
Dishes.
Shower.
Unpack the car.
Pack belongings into the room.
Grocery shop.
Phone calls home.
Find a doctor.
Make an appointment.
Manage finances.
Work out a monthly budget.
Book the room another week.

While this list may seem full of every day tasks that anyone could easily accomplish, to me it seems like the sky is falling. It is still so new to me to have real responsibilities of any magnitude. I feel clumsy as an adult at only twenty years old, especially when I am completely alone.

With the boost from Diet Bach Tea today, I was able to push through my foul mood and get all the things on my list knocked out. I should feel better, I think, but I still have this "blah" kind of cloud around my mind. It's like nothing I've done is really fitting together into any sort of decent day for me.

There is always tomorrow.

Everyone Has a Lazy Day

Today I have no responsibilities, and there isn't anything to get into in this minuscule town, so I am dubbing this day a lazy one.

I won't be getting out of bed for anything besides tea or a restroom break. Video games, tv shows, and sleeping--they're all calling my name.

Friends, there isn't much to talk about since I've decided that I'm doing absolutely nothing at all today. It is as if my only background noise has become that song by Bruno Mars.

"Today I don't feel like doin' anything, I just wanna lay in my bed. Don't feel like pickin' up my phone, so leave a message at the tone 'cause today I swear I'm not doin' anything."